I’ve been thinking a lot about energy these days.
Maybe I’ve been thinking so much because emotions are flowing post-breakup. If I’m being honest, maybe it’s actually the fact that I’ve been off social media for a week now and have more time on my hands. But either way - I sure have been thinking a lot. About some bigger life questions than “should I use panko or all-purpose flour for breading when making fried chicken?” (btw I’m an all-purpose chick).
I give a lot of energy into almost everything I do, and especially into people I interact with. When you see me, you’re getting all of me. That’s just who I have always been. I had a realization that part of why that is, is because I grew up in the service industry. From a young age, I learned how to be caring, emotionally intuitive, and people-pleasing. That comes with having countless exchanges with humans every day asking them “how are you?” “what can I get for you?” “I hope you have a great day!”
That’s just the nature of the service industry - you have to have those skills. Not only does it make you good at your job, I will tell you - it’s also extremely gratifying to make people happy. It’s my favorite high (besides 8 hrs of sleep and black coffee).
What hit me recently is that I have really gotten accustomed to a life of putting out energy time and time again and it not being necessarily reciprocated. And as you can guess, that doesn’t feel so good. Did I mention I’m going through a breakup?
But here’s what I’ve been thinking - how do you balance this energy exchange so that it still feels good, but also recognize and protect yourself when it inevitably doesn’t feel good sometimes?
And cooking is an energy exchange in its purest form.
Let me break it down for you.
I create food - which is quite literally caloric energy. And in food service, I give you that food and you give me money. That is the exchange.
From years spent in the industry, I can say we do this work and put out this energy not just for the money in return (although that is important! we need money!) but anyone who works in this world will tell you that if you’re getting into the industry for the money - you better find yourself a new job, my dude (also lol - there truly is not a lot of money in this work…ever).
Why? We really do this job because it gives us a pleasure to serve you. It’s our art, our craft, our gift to the world. It makes us feel good to present this plated energy to you.
And this is why I love food. It is truly my pleasure to serve because it is my hope that it’s not just caloric energy I am giving you, it is the experience that it will truly light you up. Think of your favorite restaurants of all time. Do you love it purely because what is on the plate is delicious? No, it’s probably the whole experience - the food, the ambiance, the service. All of these factors add up and guess what - they require so much care, attention, and energy.
But I can also say from working in this industry my whole life, the real reason that you should absolutely not get into it if money is your main goal, is that there are so many moments where your energy is completely not only not appreciated, but also not reciprocated.
Nothing is shittier than cooking and serving someone who does not appreciate all that you put into it.
Oh the horror stories I could tell you about what we call “the bad customers.”
These are the ones we share whispers about as we pass through the kitchen during service “can you believe this f*cking asshole said I ruined their day because we were out of the strawberry cupcake? ” These are the ones we then talk about over a drink at the end of a shift “lol today someone demanded a refund on their brownie because it was too fudgey.” There are even the ones we then laugh many years later about. In my house, every Thanksgiving, we gather around the table and laugh our heads off about the woman who wrote my mother a hand-written letter in 2004 telling my mother she was “LAZY! LAZY! LAZY!” for no longer selling key lime pie at the bakery. I kid you not.
We file these stories in our vault of bad customers and we reflect on your shittiness from time to time. Every food establishment has this vault, trust me. We laugh, because otherwise, we would cry. We have to take these moments in stride or else we would truly never do this work.
All’s to say, is that even in the best of days in the industry, where almost every customer is perfectly kind and the day goes smoothly, that one asshole will ruin your day. And yes, we are aware that you are usually just dumping whatever bad things are going on in your life onto us. But it’s not an excuse. That is not fair to us to then have to hold all of your negative energy.
And this is not so different from the real life. Human connection is a string of seemingly insignificant moments like this. How one acts even in this tiny energy exchange really does all add up to tell the character of someone. I’ll say actually - that they are not small, and they are not insignificant. They are damaging to people who are brave enough to put their crafted energy out to you in the first place. To greet you with a smile. You’ve just taken advantage of them.
Before you get all - ok damn I thought this was a cooking newsletter, where the hell is the recipe -I promise…it’s coming. I’m trying out a new style in this newsletter where we talk more about food as it relates to human connection. Welcome to my brain!
But don’t worry - I’m not here to bring you down. I’m here to actually say that I still LOVE to cook! And I still LOVE people! Even though all the shit I’ve been through, personally and in food service, I believe in putting your energy out there in the world, even if there is a fear it will not be reciprocated. Why? Because that it what it means to truly live.
I cook with love. And I do this every time I cook a meal for someone, whether a friend or a stranger. My hope is that you feel that love, that it lights you up. Even if you’re having a terrible day (I get it! We can’t always be walking on sunshine all the time), I hope that you can taste that love and it will transform you. That’s my energy - it’s my gift to you. And that’s how I choose to show up in the world, even outside of cooking food. I’m even doing it here, on this *free* newsletter.
But, what I’ve learned is that it is important to balance that. I’ll give you all this good good energy - and let’s see if you can give it back to me. If not - I’ll go ahead and cross the other side of the street. Save this energy for someone else who can appreciate it. In food service, this is more complicated. It is a structure inherently built on “the customer is always right.” And we are trained to eat shit and not speak up for ourselves if someone is mean or disrespectful, because then the business may lose a sale. That toxicity in the industry is slowing changing, but it will take time.
So this is a note for all of you to appreciate who is cooking your food. With the holidays approaching, that could be your mom who is really on your ass nagging you about your haircut or the fact you never went to law school. Yes she is annoying, but appreciate her and her food, please! She loves you, okay!
And that’s also to the mere strangers who cook and serve food to you in restaurants or other eating establishments. Tip them money if you liked them, yes, but can you also get to know them? Ask them their name? Ask them how their day is going? Tell them how wonderful the service was, how delicious the food was? I can tell you that those exchanges will carry further with them than your 20% tip.
And to all my homies out there cooking the food. This is your reminder that what you’re doing matters.
Cook with love because that is what they will really taste. I honestly joke that I’m really not *that good of a cook* but I do cook with my heart - and that can taste better than 3 years in culinary school. You never know how your food will light someone up or change their day, maybe even their life. What will they do once they feel that love? How will they take that exchange and pass it on to someone else?
This is what I live by when I cook and when I eat other people’s food.
Maya Angelou once said:
“People will forget what you do; they’ll forget what you said. But they’ll never forget how you made them feel.”
So which side do you want to be on. The side where people always remember how shitty you made them feel? Or the side where people always remember how amazing you made them feel?”
Thought so. Le duh.
I didn’t develop a new recipe this week, but I am re-sharing a post on how to make PIE DOUGH!
Pies are the first thing I learned how to bake. My mother taught me, her mother taught her, her mother taught her…and so on. There is some real love in this recipe. I hope you make it and share it with friends and family this Thanksgiving <3
The Recipe + Sobremesa Behind It
Love you, mean it.
xo
Tessa
Beautifully said my dear one! I have been cooking and sharing this love since I was 12 and to this day I cook and bake with love, there is no other way.
The one message I tell the team who interacts with customers is: "You hold so much power, you have the power to change someone's day. You never know what a customers is going through in their life; they might have just lost a parent or had a terrible break-up with someone they thought they loved and by you taking their order with a smile and boxing that one cupcake for them you have just given them a piece of love and that one simple exchange can change that persons day or just a brief moment. I can bake the most orgasmic food but if you do not serve it with love then you have just taken my love and turned it into dog shit".
cookermomma.
I understand and know what you are saying...hold on to family, they will always be there for you.